A man went into a pet shop one day because he was lonely and needed some company. Behind the counter stands the pet shop owner, smiling."I have the perfect pet for you," said the owner, "It is an amazing tortoise that can do almost anything, it can even talk!""I will take it!" replied the man.

Later that evening the man decides to try out the tortoises skills and says to the tortoise, "Go down to the shop and buy me a newspaper!" He places the tortoise outside the living room door and leaves it to go.

12 months later the man is watching TV when he suddenly remembers the tortoise. He goes looking for it and finds it standing outside the front door of the house."You are fucking too slow," screamed the man, "Where the fucking hell is my paper?""Well," replied the disgruntled tortoise, "If you are going to be like that then I won't go!"

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