A man walks into a pub with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off a table and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the white ball, sticks it into his mouth and swallows it whole.
The barman screams at the man, "Did you just see what your fucking monkey did?" The guy says "Yeah, I'm sorry about that, I will pay for everything." He then drinks up and leaves with his monkey. About two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders another drink and his monkey starts jumping around the place again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. The monkey grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and then eats it. The barman says disgusted, "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Yeah that doesn't surprise me," says the man, "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"